Chapter 7
Now alone with her mother, Charlie nervously asked, “soooo…w what did you want to talk about?”
Lilith was still smiling about from having witnessed such amusing interactions between her husband and the radio demon, and that nickname was just too cute! “Oh,” she cleared her throat and refocused her attention to Charlie. It pained her to see her daughter looking so worried, as though she expected a lecture or perhaps some terribly distressing news. Lilith sighed, “Charlie, I am so proud of you. You have made so many interesting friends, established a safe place in hell for them and other sinners, and have grown into quite the accomplished young woman. You even proved heaven wrong and got one of your friends redeemed! I think you can handle this long overdue conversation.”
Charlie was already in tears. Her mom was proud of her! Even if whatever conversation she was about to have with her mom was going to be a tough one, at least Charlie knew her mom was proud of her and believed she could handle the truth now. That’s all Charlie wanted. She took a deep breath and wiped away the tears. “Thanks, mom. It means a lot to me and whatever you need to say I just want you to know I’m ready.”
Lilith pulled her into a hug, “yes, I believe you are.” They moved to sit at a small table on the balcony. Lilith leaned forward, elbows on the table resting her chin in her hands, and gave Charlie a reassuring smile before continuing. “I’m sure you remember, your father and I had separated many years ago…long before all that business with heaven and the executions.”
“Oh, uh…yea I remember. We lived in the palace and dad…I guess just stayed in his workshop? I mean, I was still little when he left, but I’m sure he intended to come back. I’ve learned that he doesn’t really mean to stay away, he just gets…uhm…distracted.”
Lilith had to stop her there. “Charlie, he didn’t just lose himself in a project and forget to come back, and certainly not for all those years. He and I…well, we just agreed that a bit of time and space was in order.”
“Charlie’s breath hitched, “but, I mean, you guys did that before, right? Like…a bunch of times. Lots of married couples spend time apart. I asked dad about it once and he said ‘what’s a few years here and there out of thousands spent together’ or something like that. And even you told me once that sometimes you guys spend time apart because you’ve been together so long, but that you always come back together.”
The hopeful plea in Charlie’s eyes and voice pained Lilith, but Charlie had grown. She was an adult now and from Lilith had gathered quite the understanding one. It was time to tell her the truth as one adult woman to another. “Charlie, I have to be honest with you now. I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, but I also wanted to wait until you were old enough to understand. I think you have grown into exactly the kind of woman I had hoped you’d be and I’m ready to tell you. For many years, we’ve only ever come back together out of obligation and the fear of hurting one another and you.” She waited for Charlie to register her words. Charlie seemed to be catching on fast, actually, much to Lilith’s relief. Maybe Charlie had already expected this.
“Then…you guys don’t…love each other anymore? You were forcing yourselves to be together? Because of me?” Tears were once again escaping her eyes, but she did her best to blink them away.
“No, no, Charlie, no, not because of you. And it’s not that we don’t love each other, because we do, very much, and we always will. But that’s exactly why being together is so difficult for us and at times painful. Lucifer and I never really had any other options. We were just sort of thrown together by circumstances and we made the most of it. We’ve always been the best of friends and partners, but…how do I say this…we want different things, I guess.”
Lilith took a minute to find the right words before continuing, “Your father is a loving, sensitive man who truly cares deeply, but he’s been through a lot, as I’m sure you’ve realized, and he gets caught up in his own head. He blames himself for everything and has so much guilt that still haunts him and I was never able to help him overcome it. If anything, being with me was a constant reminder to him and I think he felt obligated to make some sort of amends towards me. He didn’t believe I deserved to be here, and even though I love this place, he felt he dragged me down with him.”
Another pause to look at Charlie. She seemed to be understanding and waiting for Lilith to continue. So she did, “Over the years I just got so exhausted from seeing him, the once mighty and bright Morningstar, so dimmed with self-hate and doubt. I also blamed myself. I thought ‘I did this to him, me, I brought down the holiest of angels with my own selfishness and defiance’ and no matter what I said to him I couldn’t lift his spirits. I couldn’t fix what I had done. I couldn’t restore the light to the Morningstar. Don’t you see, Charlie, we were both making ourselves miserable simply by being together unable to let go and forget the past.”
Charlie was processing all of this, but she still felt a little hope. “But, mom, if you guys…ya know, talked it out, I’m sure you could get through it. I mean, if you already know what the problem is and you both still love each other, you can talk about and work it out together, right?” Charlie already knew the answer, of course. If her parents could talk it out and get over it they probably would have done so sometime in the last few thousands years of being together.
“It isn’t just that, Charlie. As I said, we want different things. I’m not just talking about hell and the sinners. I mean fundamentally and personally. He wants companionship and family. I…well…now, don’t get me wrong, Charlie, I love you both very much, but…I’ve never really wanted a family the way he does. Honestly, I never had the choice to even think about what I wanted. I was just created as a wife with the intent to also fulfil the role of mother. My wants were never considered. I was just supposed to be Adam’s wife and populate Eden with more humans. When I refused, I met Lucifer. While I did admire him and love him, I wouldn’t have chosen to immediately give up my new found freedom all over again only to still be someone’s wife.”
Lilith could see her meaning click behind Charlie’s eyes and she knew her daughter understood her. She explained further, “I did want to eventually become a mother, sure, and I love you, my child, but I also had all of hell to nurture. The sinners were like children to me. They found their way here because they also defied heaven and desired freedom. However, it was never my intend to take on the role of dutiful queen. I don’t want to be confined to rules and rigidity. I don’t want to adhere to social expectations and norms as defined by someone else.”
Charlie nodded. Of course, her mother wouldn’t want that. She was Lilith, the woman who defied God and fled the garden because she didn’t want to be forced to be wife to Adam. “I guess you did end up trading one husband for another.”
Lilith snorted, “well, your father is certainly nothing like Adam. At least Lucifer respects freewill and consent and is considerate of my wishes” Lilith sighed again, “which is exactly why he has never complained about my coming and going. He’s never tried to confine me. He knows I crave freedom and has never attempted to stifle that. But it’s not fair to him, Charlie. Remember what I said about him wanting companionship? I know he suffers from loneliness and that just makes me feel more guilt. So you see, when I’m away, leaving my husband and child alone while I pursue my own happiness, I fell shame and guilt and the obligation to return and play my part. However, as I’m playing that part Lucifer feels the shame and guilt because he feels like he’s holding me back and keeping me shackled here. So we can’t truly enjoy our lives this way”
Charlie’s eyes met her mother’s full of calm determination and comprehension. “It’s okay, mom. Actually, I think some part of me already knew. I don’t want you guys to make yourselves unhappy. I think…if you love someone…I mean, truly love someone, you just want what’s best for them and for them to be happy. Sometimes that means letting them leave or move on and be with someone else or, heck, even get redeemed and go to heaven.”
They both laughed softly. Lilith thought she was very lucky to have such an intelligent and caring child…especially in hell. “I really am so proud of the person you have become, even in my absence.”
Charlie beamed at the praise. “Now, whaddya need from me, mom? Do you want me to, ya know, talk to dad for you? You know he’s still wearing his ring, right?” Charlie had noticed right away that her mom no longer wore her ring, but up until now hadn’t want to mention it or even think about it. She had been hoping her dad didn’t notice, but she suspected he did, even with Alastor distracting him.
“I do know. And he knows I no longer wear mine. We haven’t really spoken much about these things. There has never been much of a need for words between us. We just know one another so well. The person he worries about is you. He wants to be a good father and doesn’t want to let you down. I think he feels the need to keep up appearances, so you won’t worry, but also because of his own pride. He feels like a failure as a husband and father for not being able to keep us together. Cut him some slack. Maybe just, let him know that you know, gently. And that you’re okay, that we’re all okay.”
Charlie took another deep breath and let it out. “Yea…I can do that.”
Lillith saw the worry in Charlie. Probably thinking about not hurting Lucifer’s feelings. “You’re so much like him.” Lilith giggled, “You’re both so afraid of letting others down or hurting the feelings of the people you love. Honest communication is the key to happiness. He can’t know how you feel if you don’t tell him and you can’t know how he feels if you don’t ask.”
Charlie pouted, “but you just said you guys know without words.”
“Well, we’ve also been married for thousands of years and stuck in the same cycle together. It’s the cycle of knowing, but not saying anything so we can just continue as we were pretending not to know. But don’t worry. This time I will have the conversation with him because I know he is also finally ready. I know your dad can move on now.”
“What? How do you know? What’s changed?”
Lilith giggled again, “Charlie, are you blind?! Have you not seen him with Alastor?!” Lilith was fully laughing now.
“Uh…now that you mention it…” Charlie really didn’t want to think about it, but literally everyone in the hotel had made a few observations that Charlie had tried really hard not to acknowledge. “We all did kind of notice there’s a …vibe…between them.” Yea, vibe, that’s it.
“A vibe? Looked more like sparks to me!”
Charlie couldn’t help but laugh with her mom. It was clear that she found their behavior amusing. “Yea, from like, the moment they met.” Charlie rolled her eyes remembering how they reacted to each other when she first introduced them. “I mean, it was almost like they just hated each other right away. They even had a sort of ‘dad duel’ through song.”
Lilith’s eyes sparkled with delight. “Oh, Charlie, you must tell me everything!”
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